Thursday, October 02, 2003
Mama: What are you doing?

Jessie: The barrel has to be clean Mama.

M: What for?

J: The gun is for me.

M: Well you can have it if you want. When I die, you’ll get it all anyway.

J: I’m going to kill myself, Mama.

M : Very funny, very funny.

J: How would you know if I didn’t say it? You want it to be a surprise?

M: Kill yourself.

J: Shoot myself. In a couple of hours.

M : It must be time for your medicine.

J: I already took it.

M: Don’t make jokes, jessie. I’m too old for jokes.

J: It’s not a joke, mama.

M: You’re not going to kill yourself, Jessie. You’re not even upset!

J: It’s exactly what I want. It’s dark and quiet.

Mama: So is the back yard, Jessie! Close your eyes, stuff cotton in your ears, take a nap! It’s quiet in your room!

J: So quiet I don’t even know it’s quiet. So nobody can get me.

M: Jessie!

J: There’s just no point in fighting me over it. Want some coffee?

M: You don’t have to kill yourself.

J: No. I don’t. That’s what I like about it.

M: Well, I won’t let you!

J: It’s not up to you.

M: Jessie!

J: I want to hang a big sign around my neck like Daddy’s on the barn. GONE FISHING.

M: You don’t like it here.

J: Mama... I’m just not having a very good time and I don’t have any reason to think it’ll get anything but worse. I’m tired. I’m feel used.

M: Tired of what?

J: It all.

M: What does that mean?

J: I can’t say it any better.

M: Well, you’ll have to say it better because I’m not letting you alone till you do. You had this all ready to say to me, didn’t you? What are you tired of?

Jessie: Now, this drawer has everything in it there’s no better place for. Extension cords, batteries, masking tape, that kind of stuff. The mousetraps are under the sink.

M: What are you sad about?

J: The way things are.

M: Not good enough. What things.

J: Oh, everything for you and me to Red China.

M: I think we can leave the chinese out of this.

J: There’s extra light bulbs in the in a box in the hall closet. And we’ve got a couple of packages of fuses in the fuses box. There ‘s candles and matches in the top of the broom closet.

M: I asked you a question.

J: I read the paper. I don’t like the way things are. And they’re not any better out there than they are in here.

M: We’ve got a good life here!

J: I called this morning and cancelled the papers, except for Sunday, for your puzzles; you’ll still get that one.
M: You don’t have to take care of me.

J: I know that. You’ve just been letting me do it so I’ll have something to do, haven’t you?

M: I don’t do it as well as you. I just meant...

J: Mama, I know you used to ride the bu s. Riding the bus and it’s hot and noisy and more than anything in the world you want to get off and the only reason you don’t is it’s still fifty blocks from where you’re going. Well I can get off right now if I want to because even if I ride fifty more years and get off then, it’s the same place when I step down to it. Whenever I feel like it, I can get off. As soon as I’ve had enough, it’s my stop. I’ve had enough. The plumber’s helper is under the sink.

M: You’re not having a good time! Whoever promised you a good time? Do you think I’ve had a good time?

J: I think you’re pretty happy. You have things you like to do. I wonder, sometimes what might keep me here, what might be worth staying for, and you what it was? It was maybe if there was something I really like, like rice pudding or cornflakes for breakfast or something, that might be enough.

M: Maybe I fed you the wrong thing! Don’t leave me, Jessie!

J: I have a box of these I want people to have.

M: Jessie, how can I live without you? I need you! You’re supposed to tell me to stand up straight and say how nice I look in my pink dress. You’re supposed to go and lock up so I know we’re safe for the night, and when I wake up you’re supposed to be there making my coffee, and you’re supposed to help me die when the time comes. I can’t do that by myself, Jessie. I’m not like you. I hate the quiet and I don’t want to die and I don’t want you to go, Jessie. How can I get up every day knowing you had to kill yourself to make it stop hurting and I was here all the time and I never even saw it. And then you gave me this chance to make it better, convince you to stay alive, and I couldn’t do it. How can I live with myself after this? You are my child!

J: I am what became of your child. That’s what this is about. It’s somebody I lost, it’s my own self. Who I never was. Or who I tried to be and never got there. Somebody I waited for who never came. And never will. SO, see, it doesn’t much matter what else happens in the world. I’m what was worth waiting for who didn’t make it. I’m not going to show up, so there’s no reason to stay, except to keep you company, and that’s not reason enough because I’m not very good company. Am I.

M: No. And neither am I. How dare you? How dare you! You think you can just leave whenever you want. No you can’t, Jessie. You make me feel like a fool for being alive child, and you are so wrong. Who am I talking to? You’re gone already aren’t you? I’m looking right though you! I can’t stop you because you’re already gone! I guess you think you’re going to confuse them. Well, nobody’s going to be a bit surprised. This isj ust like you.

J: Leave me alone.

M: It’s the truth.
J: I should’ve just left you a note. It’s okay, Mama. ‘Night, mother.

M: Jessie: Jessie you let me in there. Don’t you do this, Jessie. Jessie stop this, I didn’t k now. I was here with you all the time. How could I know you were so alone? Jessie, please!



//icarus// at 6:27 AM

Saturday, September 06, 2003
This is where my thoughts will be from now on
//icarus// at 11:53 AM

Friday, September 05, 2003
~I

~a
~m

~i
~n

~l
~o
~v
~e


:~:And that's all that matters:~:
//icarus// at 6:44 PM

Sunday, August 31, 2003
1. Full name: Casey Kathleen Howard
2. Single or taken: taken.. and very happy about it.
4. Birthday: December 14 1987
5. Astrological sign: sagitarius
6. Siblings: megan and robyn
7. Eye color: blue... freakishly so
8. What happened to question 3? it ran from this stupid quiz
9. Shoe size/height: Shoe = 8.5 Height = 5'5"

> >> >~R e l a t i o n s h i p s ~
10. Who are your best friends: zack, mike, sammi, elaine, lauren, and jason
11. Do you have a boyfriend/girlfriend?: i love you zack.
12. Do you believe in True love? I believe love is what you make of it.
14. Did your crush send this to you? you know I want you, Annie.

> >> >~ F a s h i o n S t u f f ~
15. Where is your favorite place to shop: Hollister is my friend
16. Do you think your fashion is cool?: How sad would it be if I didnt?

> >> >~T h e E x t r a S t u f f ~
18. Do you do drugs? no no no no no.
19. What kind of shampoo do you use?: clinique healthy hair.
20. What kinda soap you use? vanilla lace from victoria's secret...
21. What are you most scared of? failure, losing those i love, not trying, being unprepared
22. How many phones in your house? 5
23.How many TV's?: 5
24. What are you doing right now? talking to two people i love very much
25. Do you shave? ...where...?
26. What cars do you wish to have? a white jeep
27. Who is the last person that called you? mike
29. How many messenger buddies do you have on right now? 26 out of 116
30. If you could change anything about yourself what would it be? I'd work harder
31. What do like best about yourself? my boyfriend

> >~ F a v o r i t e s ~
32. Colors: red and black
33. Number: 2
34. Movies: american beauty, cruel intentions, life as a house, pleasantville
35. TV Program: cnn
36. Food: fruit
37. Fast Food: panda express
38. Most embarrassing moment: falling offstage at a tournament...
39. Biggest crush? :D Zack.
40. Subject in school: chemistry english and forensics
41. CD or tape?: mp3
42. Animals: annie nikki and donny
43. Game(s): tetris
44. Favorite Place in the World That You've Been To: Hayward, California... I've been there in my dreams

> >> >~ H a v e Y o u E v e r ~
45. Given someone a bath?: yup. i'm a babysitter.
46. Smoked?: no
47. Bungee jumped? yes
48. made your self throw up? yes
49. Broken the law?: i've jaywalked and plagiarised...
50. Run from the cops? ..lol yes! Ode to Jason's parties.
51. Gone skinny-dipping: yup.
52. Been in love? yes
53. Made yourself cry to get out of trouble?: yes.

> >> >~ F i r s t T h i n g T h a t C o m e s T o M in d ~
54. Red: blood
55. Carpet: floor...
56. Candles: romanticism
57. Radio: iTrack
58. School: the Legion


//icarus// at 3:07 PM

Friday, August 29, 2003
Pressure, pressure, pressure... And you're not helping either.

Is a little support, and belief too much to ask for? I'm afraid too, you know. I know it's a lot to handle. Just believe in me, this one time?
//icarus// at 11:42 PM

Thursday, August 28, 2003
I don't know what to do with myself when I don't know what to do with you. I feel so guilty just walking away... but I can't stand your unprecendented hostility. I'm fragile, and I trust you. This is me placing myself into your hands, words you wouldn't assume could shatter me will. And they resonate. Destroy the atoms of my being. It must be hard for you to understand why it's all so hard to me. I try to explain it to you, but all I can do is walk away. Because all you can do is be hostile. And hostility breaks me... and I can't be broken by you. So I won't let you. You say you'll try to change, that it'll be different tomorrow, but we both know that's bullshit. You will be the same tomorrow, and I will be the same tomorrow, and the world will be the same tomorrow. Nothing ever changes, it's just put in a different order. Tommorrow something bad will happen, and you'll still be sarcastic at everyone who comes in contact with you... so maybe I should just stay away when you're having a bad day. I know it's my job to support you, and be there for you... but I can't be around that... it reminds me too much of my father, the way your hostile, and I never wanted you to be anything like my father. So hate me for running. Leave me for running. But I would rather run away then have you make me cry. I don't know what to do. And I won't take "I'll be better someday" for an answer.
//icarus// at 9:14 PM

Saturday, August 23, 2003
I don't know what I'm feeling right now. Maybe it's just...nothing...

I had a bad dream last night. I wanted to call you... to be comforted... but I didn't. I hate to burden you. I know it's not fair of me to do these things to you. I do horrible, awful, terrible things to you...just because I can.

Criminal by Fiona Apple

I've been a bad bad girl
I've been careless with a delicate man
And it's a sad sad world
When a girl will break a boy
Just because she can
Don't you tell me to deny it
I've done wrong and I want to Suffer for my sins
I've come to you 'cause I need Guidance to be true
And I just don't know where I can begin
What I need is a good defense
'Cause I'm feeling like a criminal
And I need to be redeemed
To the one I've sinned against
Because he's all I ever knew of love
Heaven help me for the way I am
Save me from these evil deeds
Before I get them done
I know tomorrow brings the consequence
At hand
But I keep livin' this day like
The next will never come
Oh help me but don't tell me
To deny it
I've got to cleanse myself
Of all these lies till I'm good
Enough for him
I've got a lot to lose and I'm
Bettin' high
So I'm beggin' you before it ends
Just tell me where to begin
What I need is a good defense
'Cause I'm feeling like a criminal
And I need to be redeemed
To the one I've sinned against
Because he's all I ever knew of love
Let me know the way
Before there's hell to pay
Give me room to lay the law and let me go
I've got to make a play
To make my lover stay
So what would an angel say
The devil wants to know
What I need is a good defense
'Cause I'm feeling like a criminal
And I need to be redeemed
To the one I've sinned against
Because he's all I ever knew of love
What I need is a good defense
'Cause I'm feeling like a criminal
And I need to be redeemed
To the one I've sinned against
Because he's all I ever knew of love

Lets fix this.

//icarus// at 8:51 AM

Wednesday, August 13, 2003
I'm sorry I ever doubted you.

Brown Eyes
Destiny's Child

Remember the first day that I saw your face?
Remember the first day that you smiled at me?
You stepped to me and then you said to me
I was the woman you dreamed about.
Remember the first day that you called my house?
Remember the first day when you took me out?
We had butterflies, though we tries to hide it
And we both had a beautiful night.

The way we held each other’s hand
The way we talked, the way we laughed
It felt so good to find true love
I knew right then and there you were the one

CHORUS
I know that he loves me ‘cause he told me so
I know that he loves me ‘cause his feelings show
And he’s missin’ me when he’s not kissin’ me
You see how he is so deep in love.
I know that he loves me ‘cause it’s obvious
I know that he loves me ‘cause it’s me he trusts
And when he stares at me, you see he cares for me
And when he looks at me, his brown eyes tell it so

Remember the first day, the first day we kissed?
Remember the first day we had an argument?
We apologized, and then we compromised
And we haven’t argued since.
Remember the first day we stopped playing games?
Remember the first day you fell in love with me?
It felt so good to say those words
‘Cause I felt the same way too

The way we held each other’s hands
The way we talked, the way we laughed
It felt so good to fall in love
I knew right then and there you were the one

CHORUS

I’m so happy, so happy that you’re in my life and baby
Now that you’re a part of me you’ve shown me
Shown me the true meaning of love (the true meaning of love)
And I know he loves me

CHORUS

He looks at me and his brown eyes tell it so.


//icarus// at 12:37 PM

Sunday, August 10, 2003
Blood loss... At the hospital.

Sonnet LXXI: No Longer Mourn for me when I am Dead


No longer mourn for me when I am dead
Than you shall hear the surly sudden bell
Give warning to the world that I am fled
From this vile world, with vilest worms to dwell:
Nay, if you read this line, remember not
The hand that write it; for I love you so
That I in your sweet thoughts would be forgot
If thinking on me then should make you woe.
O, if, I say, you look upon this verse
When I perhaps compounded am with clay,
Do not so much as my poor name rehearse,
But let your love even with my life decay,
Lest the wise world should look into your moan
And mock you with me after I am gone.

//icarus// at 12:47 PM

Saturday, August 09, 2003
I want so badly to drain this new found truth from my veins. Break the flesh, let the poison seep out.

You're right. It never will be the same. Don't ask me to go back to a reality you know is only wishful thinking. I'm so sick of all this shit. I'm fighting so hard. Lashing out against the restraints I've placed upon myself. I'm fighting what I know is a losing battle... but you... you fight so long as it's in your best interest. As long as it doesn't hurt too much. You fight not because you want to be better, but because you want the world to think you are better. I know more than they know. I've seen it. Touched it. I know more than any person should ever have to know, but I have to keep relearning it. Time and time again I relearn this fact... hoping to forget someday... only succeeding in remembering tomorrow.

I carve the pain into my flesh
It helps me to forget at first
Helps me to remember again

I'm sick of remembering. Amnesia would be a gift.

I find trust to be overrated and unattainable. How can I trust you? I know it's going to happen again. It always has before. I just don't know if it will be tomorrow or next week or next year. But I know. I'm not going to pretend I trust you with yourself. I'm not lying anymore, because it hurt too much. And I know how to make it hurt less. But I won't. I'll fight every goddamn day for the rest of my life so that I never have to feel so weak again. How about you?
//icarus// at 10:30 AM

Friday, August 08, 2003
I miss the rain. I miss the thunder. I miss the green of the grass, the blue of the sky. I miss laughing, red-cheeked and happy, surrounded by those I love. I miss the way your skin feels against mine. I miss not knowing. I miss my ignorance

I don't believe I have ever felt so lonesome as I do this very minute. For all I know, the world has ended and I'm the only survivor. Where are you?

Don't put me on a pedastool, so many have made that mistake. Perfection is obsolete. All is synthesis. Thesis and antithesis are history. Smile for me, every now and then. Stay strong. It's strange how much you can miss someone you never really knew.

"Inject me with theremin, loudly. I'll think I'm responding to the play, when really it's only a tactile response to vibration. But I don't care, all I want is hardcore entertainment."

Fahrenheit 451 is one of those books... it either changes you, or it becomes you. Clarisse... such an incredible compliment when you said I reminded you of her. Drink the rain with me? Don't be afraid to try. It doesn't hurt.
//icarus// at 4:00 PM

Wednesday, August 06, 2003
I don't know exactly what to think of all of this. I'm trying, trying, trying all the time. Just working a little harder and doing a little more and just trying to please anyone and everyone and all you can ask me is "Do you really love me?" You don't seem to understand why all of this is so very frustrating to me. What more can I possibly do to show you that I do! I'm sick of all these games. I'm sick of playing, of pretending, of acting like we don't know where all this is going to end up. Stop acting like someone else could make me happy when its really only you. I just want to be together. No more pursuit. Pursuit was yesterday. Today we are together. Today we are happy. I'm not going to do it anymore. I can't.
//icarus// at 10:01 AM

Sunday, August 03, 2003
It's strange the way you speak to me... so overprotective. I am inclined to wonder what that sort of passion to my wellness might do to your standard of living did you apply it to yourself. Sweet words are not enough to gain my trust, but you've done it. Due, mayhaps, to the fact that you provide me with so much else. It's not often I meet a person such as yourself, and even less often that I become friends with them. Snaps to you for making it through my oh-so-rigorous screening process.

It's not my standards that held me back, but yours.

I'm sure you're thrilled that you've discovered yourself firmly seated amongst my list of favorite people. You may, of course, remove yourself whenever you do see fit. Do remember that it is your decision, not mine. You seem so thoroughly convinced that I am bound to hate you, when we both know that that's not true. How could I hate someone so complete? Complete, yes, I do believe that would be an appropriate word for you. There aren't many other ways to express it. You are, in essence, complete, and that makes me want to keep you close. I won't push you away. I couldn't if I tried. But don't expect me to cling to tightly if I feel you pulling away. I was never good at holding my ground when something I wanted was in limbo.
//icarus// at 7:21 PM

Thursday, July 31, 2003
So... I'm home. And well enough to consider writing in this again. I'm trying to decide if I've missed it... not especially. Pen and paper are much more cathartic. SCFI was an experience... with only a few things I would change.

Secrets, secrets, secrets. An untold truth is still a lie. I pretend.. but only because our rendezvous are so few. It will get harder as time goes on. I want you to be prepared for this.

So... i can't control myself. I remove myself from home, and it's back to the same old game. My roommates were clueless and innane. Didn't even know I had the flu and had been throwing up until I told them on the last day. It's nice to feel cared for.

Is anyone else getting sick of summer? I'm so tired of this loneliness... i just want a little interaction. But not with people. I hate people. I'm screwed.

You're just begging me to get you hurt. And I can never say no. I'd be a little more inclined to refuse if you asked a little more nicely. It's so easy for you to turn your back on my, but I don't mind. A mistake is a mistake. There's always two sides to the problem and you aren't the only one doing wrong.

Innocence? No thanks. I checked that. Insanity will be my carry-on for today.

Too many words. Too many thoughts. Never enough time... never enough paper. And that's why I turn to you all. So you can gawk and point, and assume things that aren't true. I need another notebook. That would make my life a hell of a lot easier.
//icarus// at 5:47 PM

Saturday, July 12, 2003
My words have built so strongly against the dam that is my mouth. Thoughts and actions and words and places, nouns, verbs, prepositions, adjectives all finding their home in my body, coursing through my veins, seeking solace and freedom. The music that I listen to only inspiring a deeper feeling of compression inside of me. I want to say to you something, and I am not sure what. I want to scream it, to sing it, to cry out against the darkness, and the stifling cold that is my mind. I want words to echo and resonate. I feel as if every emotion I have ever felt is surging and throbbing in time with my heart. And even worse, every emotion I have ever denied myself, ever dissected so much I could not feel it, is seeping into my muscle and mind. Everything has fallen into place. Everything is perfect, and I can smile a bright, true, wholesome smile. No saccharin aftertaste. I always thought my life was saccharin. Imitate what it is unhealthy to be. I can pretend. If nothing else in my life is true, my acting is. The one thing that makes me fake is my only truth I know. What I believe I feel is nothing more than a figment of my imagination that I have indulged myself in. At least, that’s how I used to feel. I could not begin to comprehend what emotion was until I met you. I could not k now what home was, what happiness was, what health was, what need was, what comfort was... I knew nothing before I knew you. It’s hard to come to that conclusion... that before there was nothing, after there will be nothing, but now there is everything. Don’t make there be an after. The days before I met you seem not to exist anymore... they don’t matter. The days after you’ve left will be much the same, I fear. I have today, but now is never enough. Give me tomorrow. Give me an eternal number of tomorrows. Entwine your yesterdays with mine, create a past, lets share our lives. Past, present, future can all become one moment, forever can be now. I don’t want to wait for forever, I want to experience it along the way, with no worries. I never want to be afraid to lose you. I never want to be afraid that I might wake up, and you will be gone. I don’t want to take away that which you need, I just want to protect that which I need. I can’t help but be selfish. I refuse to ask for what is less than necessary, and you are a necessity. Survival is not subjective. There are a few basic things you need to survive, and you are it for me. I need you, I need water, and I need oxygen. I don’t ask for much more than true love... I don’t ask for much more than everything. Love doesn’t change everything, and I know this. Love won’t save you from depression and anger and fear and all the bad things in life. The person you are in love with must help you to change your situation. Love is just the inspiration... you need to take the steps. Take the steps with me? Walk my path, hold my hand. I want to travel the road away from a childhood of despair with you. I want to create a future along the road less traveled. Just don’t ever forget about me. Don’t ever let go of me. Don’t ever move on. What we have created is a future, before it has come. I never anticipated falling in love. I never anticipated sharing my life with someone. I planned on the lonely road, but the successful road. And then you came along... and I can never be happier for anything in the world. You came along and showed me what life could be. You came along and ruined all those big plans I had with something better. Don’t ruin my plans twice. Once is perfect. Twice is too many. I can’t live the lonely life after so much time with you. Embrace it, it’s forever. Devour the decades, nibble the years, taste the months, sample the days, and savor the moments. Remember- forever, regardless.

//icarus// at 1:34 AM

Wednesday, July 09, 2003
okay.. so the red marker doesn't work.. it seems like i'm dangling a candybar in front of a starving person's face... i forget to breathe sometimes.. go minutes without inhaling... it sound strange, but it's not even concious. i'm just royally fucked up... it's unanimous.
//icarus// at 10:36 AM

Tuesday, July 08, 2003
"Who are you?"
"Whoever you want me to be."
Cute pick-up line or way of life? I am whoever you want, whoever you need me to be. Need a scapegoat? That's me. Need a leader? That's me. Need a worry wart? That's me. Need daddy's little angel? Mommy's little winner? Teacher's pet? Perfect example? Worst player? Whatever you want me to be I am. I have to be. I smile with that little bit of unease, cross my legs at the ankle, fold my hands across my lap, and lean just a little bit forward. It's very nice to meet you. Yes, I love theatre. That's so interesting. Hahahahahaha... you saw it too... are you afraid I act with you? sorry. i'm not good enough to stay in character for that much of my life. you get the real me. disappointed? I hope you weren't praying that there was something better behind it all. Isn't it always easier to hope that there's more? Even if your mother didn't like me, "I'm sure it's just because she was nervous... she'll be much more pleasant next time..." Reality suck. No one wants that...
//icarus// at 3:51 PM

Monday, July 07, 2003
someone talk some sense into me! i have "strawberry gashes" playing on repeat... pale white skin with strawberry gashes all over.... i don't want to do it. i don't. i don't. i don't. i don't. i do... i do... help...
//icarus// at 1:35 PM

I have no desire to eat. I know that sounds typical for a person like me, but it's strange... i usually want it, the power is in denying it to myself. I am drowning in a river of self-pity and self-loathing. My logic: He isn't going to see me for 21 days. The scars will fade together. He wouldn't know... but i won't. i can't. this is not for him, it's for me. I am trying to make myself better. I won't change myself for him.. i change myself for me.. i love him. i need him.. but he needs me, not the person i can make myself. as we all saw on July 4th, i can change myself to be who people want me to be.
//icarus// at 11:31 AM

Sunday, July 06, 2003
I love him... and I love everything about him, but I hate it when he's gone. We stayed on the phone, talking, from 9:00 PM until 8:00 AM.. and it was perfect.. and now he's gone. And Sammi is having the same problem.. this is not the sort of thing you expect to happen with her. Sammi loves her boyfriend, and her boyfriend loves her, and they're going to get married, and that's just how it is. One of those things in life you can finally relax and take as a fact... and then it hits you. Like a pile of bricks it hit me when he broke up with her. How could she feel right now? Her stability, her control has proven itself to be an earthquake, a variable in her life. I can't say what's right to make it better.. I don't have the words.. you have no idea how much I wish she did... but... if this can happen to her, can it happen to me? I shouldn't be so worried when he's away... I don't want him to come home to these thoughts... but i'm scared... i'm just so scared...
//icarus// at 11:15 AM

Saturday, July 05, 2003
Even if we end the right way we end the wrong way. Esophagus damage could take an easy 10 years off my life... Stomache damage is about 20 (not eating has been linked to stomache cancer)... breast cancer is between 10 and 60.. brain cancer between 80 (usually sets on around 18 if you get it) and 40... heart damage... between tomorrow and when i'm 80. nice estimate, thank my doctors. Don't you see? We break even no matter what we do... It's wrong.. but right...
//icarus// at 8:04 PM

It feels like sunday morning. Rescue me.

You are my favorite drug
Withdrawals are getting harder
Addiction getting stronger
My need grows
With my love
My pain
With my happiness
Loneliness so powerful
A soul so alone
When can I cut away
All these ties that bond
Holding me in this place
Of superficial smiles
And artificial personalities
I won't let this be my home
Home is where the heart is
I want to go home
To my addiction
//icarus// at 9:33 AM

Friday, July 04, 2003
So... I get to see him! 34 days would have been too many.. now we're down to 23. Almost the best we can do. It scares me how alone I feel when I'm not with him. I am very independent. I hate having have other people help me. I despise of leaning on them in order to get anything done. I have trust issues. But I trust him. How could I not? It's necessary... it's a life force.
You get excited easily. I feel awful if the nicest thing I have ever done is be thoughtful...Honestly, it is the least I could do... And it's truly no more work than it will be now. Except the icing. I've always hated making icing. But it's nothing, for you. Smile. Don't be too impressed with my baking. It's because I want to.
//icarus// at 8:04 AM

Thursday, July 03, 2003
I want to keep you safe. I know there must be a place in this world that we can be safe in... where we can watch over eachother.. I want you to want to be okay as much as I do... I want to hold you all night.. cling to you all night... be with you my whole life... and let these scars just fade away... let the need just fade away... let my life without you fade away. There is a place that is safe and protected.. and i know where it is. inside your arms... and i'm not safe and protected nearly often enough... can i protect you? i feel that i have that sort of power.. even if i don't.. i feel that i might be able to one day make it all alright but right now i am so powerless.. my words only hold so much weight with you.. you cherish them, you've said you have... but how much can they save you? I know I said I don't want to be your savior... but maybe it's part of the description? maybe we met eachother because if we didn't we wouldn't be who we are now.. hell... we wouldn't be. strange to think about.... scary...
//icarus// at 11:17 AM

Wednesday, July 02, 2003
Anyone who reads this (i really have no idea who any of you are) Download this song. It's beautiful. Trust me.


"Strawberry Gashes"
-Jack off Jill

Turn her over
A candle is lit, I see through her
Blow it out and save all her ashes for me

Curse me sold her
The poison that runs it's course through her
Pale white skin with strawberry gashes all over all over

Watch me fault her
You're living like a disaster
She said kill me faster
with strawberry gashes all over

Called her over
and asked her if she was improving
She said "feels fine" it's wonderful wonderful here

Hex me told her
I dreamt of a devil that knew her
Pale white skin with strawberry gashes all over all over

Watch me fault her
You're living like a disaster
She said kill me faster
with strawberry gashes all over

I lay quiet
waiting for her voice to say
"Some things you lose and some things you just give away"

Scold me failed her
If only I'd held on tighter to her
Pale white skin that twisted and withered away from me away from me

Watch me lose her
It's almost like losing myself
Give her my soul
and let them take somebody else get away from me

Watch me fault her
You're living like a disaster
She said kill me faster
with strawberry gashes all over all over me
//icarus// at 5:26 PM

Fuck. Want to know why I'm in a bad mood? 125 a-fucking-gain. What am I doing wrong? Argh. Don't tell me I'm ignoring you. I only do it if you do it first and you know it very well. There's no winning with you. You always say "You win." But usually I only win on something I would prefer not to. I know it's true.. and i stand up for its truth, but I still don't want to believe it. I don't mask it, don't disillusion myself to different aspects of my own situation. And I am not contented with just being a hypocrite. With just hurting you. With just doing something wrong. Born to fight. To kick and scream and cry my way to a place I don't even want to be. And not even for my own benefit 99.9% of the time. I tell you not to change for me, and that's hypocritical of me. Of course I change for you. Maybe I'm lying there. Of course there are some things I'd like you to change... just not from me... I suppose I wouldn't like the blood on my hand. I don't want to be your savior, I want to be your girlfriend. Sorry. You've got your own pedastool, haven't you? Now we're eye level. It's odd when my presumed thaumaturgy falls through, is it not? So I'm not magic. I'm no miracle-maker. I'm just me... I know no tricks. I am only human. The moment you move me from strong to human is the moment I move you from savior to best friend. Do you like being a hero? I don't much like being a damsel in distress... I wish I could save myself... But why would I if it were only for myself? What would be the point? I wouldn't be hurt if I ceased to exist... it'd be too late for pain. I could never hurt you... those sort of wounds never heal and I will not be responsible for your open sores... You say I'm un-loopable... then how are we loopable? Last time I was aware I was a good portion of this relationship. How can you deny what you yourself have said? But of course I have misinterpreted...of course of course... excuse my anger. Not my idea.
//icarus// at 10:38 AM

Tuesday, July 01, 2003
124. W()()T. Just got back from a very long, very hot shower. Yes in the middle of the afternoon. I like to feel clean. Too bad I'm so dirty sometimes... lying cheating stealing... not in the conceptual manner... but it's the same to me. Lying is the way I look at you when I know what you want and know I can't give it to you. Cheating is eating 1201 on a 1200 day. Stealing is what I do to myself every day. Stealing my chances at normalcy... stomach ache. sore throat. headache. kill me.
//icarus// at 3:54 PM

Monday, June 30, 2003
I want to waste away
Become nothing
Slip past your view
The less ground I cover
The less you can attack me
Gentle! Be gentle with me
I'm fragile don't touch me
I hate it when you touch me!
I hate the words you always speak!
GENTLE! Be gentle with me!
I'm quickly becoming nothing
Like you want me to be
Turn into something beautiful
Become the skin and bones
I'll be more than what you want me to be
By being so much less

Shuddup. I don't want to hear it, any of you. I'm tired and my stomach hurts.. stop dissecting me.. I feel the burning marks of prying eyes all over... anxious... paranoid... so many feelings. why can't just one be pleasant? It's not about if i will trust you, it's if i can. I want to but censorship is just as subconcious as concious... even the sanctity of my mind is no longer safe with the demons lurking inside. Oh yes, they're back and they're eating me alive... as alive as I can be, considering my current state of mind... I'm breathing, my happy thought.... ha. happiness. what a novel idea. how very romantic of my mind to conjure up. smiling but my eyes are hollow.. lose their life like those girls in the photos.. the ones you could never say was beautiful. my striving for perfection makes me imperfect.
//icarus// at 9:00 PM

Haha yes!!! Got my scale back! 125 as of this morning... :-/ not sure how I feel about that number. But it will be lower by the end of the week. guaranteed. My goal is a size 4.. don't care what my nutritionist says. So hopefully if I get down to about 100-110 i'll be somewhere in that area. How much weight could you possibly have to lose to drop 2 sizes? Hopefully not more than 25... that's not healthy. But then again.. neither is weighing 125. On to slightly more important issues.. Camp is coming up. Which means my boyfriend is leaving me. Which basically equates to my own personal hell. Someone save me from my own selfishness.. he needs to go, and I need to go, and we both will learn so much.. but 3 weeks away from eachother is 3 too many... 3 seconds away from eachother is 3 too many. I just don't know how to not be with him. Sorry for sounding desperate and clingy.. but i guess i am. I don't really mind.. as long as he doesn't. By the way... I'll always spell your name right.. even if I don't call you by it sometimes.
//icarus// at 12:28 PM

Tuesday, June 24, 2003
Getting sick of health.
Clever play on words/honesty. It started out that I was sick of being sick and now I'm back to the beginning again. No, I'm not bleeding. The problem that bothers you the most, because it is the one you can see, is under control. Because it's what I need, what you need, what society needs. So the biggest of your worries about me are in vain. Smile. I'm healthy the way you need me to be. You're all clueless. But that's okay. Because I don't need you to rescue me. I've built my own tower, attracted my own dragon, and I'll get out myself. So don't sweat it. Right now I'm the way I need to be. One day I'll be the way I should be.
//icarus// at 8:41 PM

Wednesday, June 18, 2003
So once again i've rescued myself from the bars that hold me capture.. or are they blades? once again the world is proud of me just for not doing something that decent people wouldn't even dream of. Congratulations for your attempt at being normal casey! Because of course it is an achievement.. but nothing to brag about. Isn't it the same as it was in grade school? I was a straight A student enfuriated by the teacher's fawning over a straight C student's B. And look at the rest of the world.. do they get a prize for their lack of scars? No, of course not, but they're not like you. Here's a cookie for your good work Casey. Well fuck you and your little rewards and your false pride in me! You know I don't deserve it and I know I don't want your hand outs. Just leave it. I'm being strong for me, not you. My skin is intact for me, not you. My life is lived for me, not you. I'm not playing for an audience.
//icarus// at 5:35 PM

Friday, June 13, 2003
sing. i don't know why that word keeps saturating my mind, but it seems right. sing. pour your emotions into the ears of your listeners. make something beautiful. make yourself the instrument. sing. my words don't seem to be enough for you to comprehend.. i wish i could make you understand. i wish my emotions translated into my words so perfectly. i wish i could sing. I wish you could hear my emotions. then you couldn't ignore them... i wish i could make this easy for you. i wish it were easier for me.

maybe that's the problem.. it's all too easy. I leave myself open for this stuff. it's all to easy for me to want it and to do it... sorry. i'm always so sorry for every little thing that i do.. i'm sick of apologizing but i still have all of this remorse. so... the plausible action is an apology. sorry.
//icarus// at 6:06 PM

Monday, June 09, 2003
Where are my words? Why can't I say this?! I am so sick of this heat. I can't think, I can't feel, I can't speak. I have so many emotions surging inside of me and none will take an understandable form. I just want to tell you how it feels! I want to find the words... and understand.

Temptation temptation temptation... passion clings to my lip like nectar of the plum... wanting what i cannot, should not have. needing what i do have. everything is not enough. so i ask for more. but will not take if offered... fickle little me, always changing my mind. I want it just to see if I can get it. And yet I go where I know I can get it... i tend to defeat the purpose. I like a challenge. I like to have something to prove. i always seem to. i proved it to you. you're still here. how much will you take before you're not?

Trigger is a funny word for it... that would imply that the gun was already loaded.. in your hand... and all you have to do is pull. bullets of blood. bang. everything's different and destructed. but it takes more than just your finger to fire... it takes your whole being.

//icarus// at 1:21 PM

Sunday, June 08, 2003
miss me? you know you did.

so... life. all this graduation stuff has my mind racing trying to set together a future and a life and a stable place to grow up. But I am growing up. Life is now. I say to myself sometimes "3 more years and then life." And then I hit college. "7 more years and then life." and then I go to work "5 more days and then life" where does the living begin? I'm sick of waiting for tomorrow. "Life is what happens while you're making plans." My sentiments exactly. I'm trying to live and all these plans keep getting in the way because it can always be better.

I feel so awful. 2 broken plans in less than a week. 2 days of 20 minute conversations leading to an "I have to go." You say it's not my fault but I still have to apologize. My plans that I set that I broke for my lack of planning. Note the pronoun usage. My I I my. Sometimes it is all about me.... sorry.

Where am I right now? I am so confused, so out of control. Double standards recognized, toppling off of pedastools... break the porcelain flesh. I'm not a doll. I don't belong on a shelf. Play with me. Be rough with me. You won't break me. I promise.

I want to scream but it's so silent i can hear the sounds of typing echoing against the wall... so much to say and no way to say it. You leave the lines open, there is words for the room but what do I do when I feel so much and have not a word to characterize. I long to scream to yell to make noise until finally I say something worth hearing. How can you stand to listen to me? My words are false even to my own ears... and I'm a master of believing my own lies.
//icarus// at 9:03 PM

Sunday, June 01, 2003
Smile. Things could be worse. Don't say that out loud tho... or they'll get worse... all well. I'm good as long as I'm with you. Things are calming down. so little drama. it's almost upsetting. I'm on a plateau.. not up.. not down... i don't know where this emotion is going.. but i'm okay with that. I love it when you come over. Do that more often. Live with me. We'll have yellow curtains. I don't care what anyone else says. 4 months 1 week 2 days. Smile.
//icarus// at 11:13 AM

Wednesday, May 28, 2003
It tears me apart inside how ironic this all is. You meet someone you want to "spend the rest of your life with" and your lucky to have one day a week together! It's just too hard. Why can't the world do itself a little favor and sit people who love eachother next door to eachother? Or at least give them a mode of transportation. I don't mean to sound bitter... but I am. I just miss him so much.. which sounds really dumb considering I saw him saturday... but it feels like so long ago. I hate that.

Starving for your touch
Craving you
My addiction
My sweetest compulsion
Is you
That force that pulls me through
Just one more hour of school
It was always you
Such a sweet habitude
You
Always you
//icarus// at 3:03 PM

Tuesday, May 27, 2003
YOUR SONG - Ewan McGregor

My gift is my song and this one's for you
And you can tell everybody that this is your song
It may be quite simple but now that it's done
Hope you don't mind
I hope you don't mind that I put down in words
How wonderful life is now you're in the world

I sat on the roof and I kicked off the moss
Well some of the verses well, they...they got me quite cross
But the sun's been kind while I wrote this song
It's for people like you that keep it turned on

So excuse me forgetting but these things I do
You see, I've forgotten if they're green or they're blue
Anyway the thing is what I really mean
Yours are the sweetest eyes I've ever seen

And you can tell everybody this is your song
It may be quite simple but now that it's done
I hope you don't mind
I hope you don't mind that I put down in words
How wonderful life is now you're in the world

I write a lot about you. Is that weird? I'm sorry if it is. It just seems like I can't get you out of my mind... I was reading through some old posts and I found something

You blush when you think of them
You're always blushing because you don't want to stop thinking of them

I never stop thinking of you. Mrs. Berselli asked me today-- You're still dating that Zack boy? Yes. yes I am. After 4 months and 3 days, yes we are still together. After dysfunction and tears and laughing and screaming yes we are still together. After mistakes big and small, repeated and once occuring YES we are still together. We are still together because there seems to be no other option, and if there was I couldn't choose it if I wanted to. All I want is you. We are still together. WE are STILL together. We ARE still TOGETHER! We are still we... I'm happy. I don't know why, but I'm happy. Thank you world.
//icarus// at 2:54 PM

Monday, May 26, 2003
I'm sorry for getting dizzy. I know it sounds weird but you see me when I'm so weak... you protect me and take care of me, but shouldn't i give some of that to you? shouldn't this be an equally give-take relationship? I feel like I take up so much of your time and your energy and time, and i don't give you enough. I'm always the first to hang up the phone, to sign off, to have to leave... I want to be able to give you as much of my time as you give me of yours and I cant... I'm sorry. I try my hardest to stay awake and I fall asleep, always. I lose control a lot, and sometimes it's not fair to put that burden on you.

I don't ever base my plans on other people. I won't design any project that could fall through because someone didn't work hard enough. I plan every moment, but I put all the work upon myself... this is something we have to share. I know you don't see it like I see it, you aren't like me. When I say forever I mean forever... and forever is longer than highschool. I'm sorry if that's scary, but it's what I see. It makes me happy. Yellow curtains are what I'm holding on to right now. I love you.
//icarus// at 11:11 AM

Tuesday, May 20, 2003
Perfect World

Exhaustion
And I fall into your arms
Held until the world just dies away
Sleep
With you until the end of time
No world necessary
Beyond your eyes
Cry
For all I've lost
And all I've gained
Tears upon my cheek swept away
Sing
The joy and sing the pain
Sign what the spoken word
Cannot explain
Sleep
With you until the end of time
No world necessary
Beyond your eyes

---------------

Alone

I'm alone without you
The words I hear
Fall flat
I can't breathe without you
I suffocate, you deprivate
I cry
There is no point without you
Why try, when all I feel
Is loss?
I'm alone without you
I wish I could be held
By you

-----

Forever

I can see into forever
When I'm seeing it with you
Life doesn't seem so uncertain
When I'm holding your hand
I'm not so afraid of forever
Because I never want this to end
I never want to part
With you
I'm okay with forever
If forever feels like today
I can't run from eternity
How could I let go of this?
I could never part
With you

------

I don't know how to say it in sentences. My poetry is what I mean, my words discounted and unnecessary. My poetry is whats true. Don't let me scare you. 3 days and counting people. It's not as hard as I thought it would be... don't make me angry please. I can't afford the stress. Just give me a little time before confronting me with anything else. Thank you.


//icarus// at 2:33 PM

Sunday, May 18, 2003
Thank you, nicole, for helping me realize that I've hurt a lot of people. I'm sorry. To every last one of you. To those of you I've used/abused/taken for granted. I'm sorry. Healing begins now. I'm done with being sick. No more cutting, no more ED. No more lying. No more hurting other people.. or myself. It's one thing to realize that you are sick, but an entire other to be told. I'm sorry.
//icarus// at 5:08 PM

Now that the cards are down, what are you thinking? No more bluffing. I'm in love with you. I'm sorry for demanding... for yelling. Things are different now, I know, but we never were the same. Our expectations were so high, and there was nowhere to go but down. We're safe now.... not quite rock bottom, rising out of that hole. Guess you can't call me perfect anymore. "Ms. Beautiful" is a petname of the past.. i'll miss it, but it's okay. I'm still yours. I still love you. Dependence is a funny thing... we claim our independence from our training wheels, our pacifiers, our parents. Always wanting to be alone. I cannot be alone. I am dependent upon you. It is a part of who I am. It scares me... but I can handle that, because you can handle me.

You never really regret something until you say "I love you" and they say "okay"
//icarus// at 3:48 PM

Saturday, May 17, 2003
Poetry gives honesty I thought I'd never know.

I give

Words are not enough for you
Explanations will never change the truth
I know what I did was wrong
My shame does not come easily
My regrets are hard to find
Words no longer loose and free
Truth is not the best way out
Pretending kept us safe
At least post-poned the pain
I cried, I cut, I bled for this
Suffered, to protect you
I didn't want to burden you
Honesty isn't always what you need
Truth is painful on a night like this
My words are what we needed to live
Fake, but still so nourishing
My words are all I have to give
Before this last apology
My words are not enough to give
And neither's this apology
I am not enough to live
I'll give this last apology

~~~~~~~~~~~

Truth

Words won't heal
Love won't die
Scars won't fade
Death won't reject
Find truth in these words
Take this as honesty
Words wont heal
So why try?
Love won't die
But I can
Scars won't fade
But memories will
Death won't reject
Like you will

~~~~~

Cheap

You make me cheap like you are
You make me worthless like you
You can't satisfy me for but one moment
You are like cheap wine
Too sweet, and inebriating
Everything I don't need
A physical connection
Doesn't make us soulmates
And how dare you?
You say that I could learn from you
The noble won't learn from a fool
The valued can't learn from the worthless
And I could never learn from you
Your touch doesn't make me special
My love wouldn't bring you joy
You can only hurt me
Weaken me
Make me cheap like you

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Survival

I'll play these games with you
If it makes you feel any better
I'll pretend with you
If it makes it that much easier
I'm trying to do what's best for you
That's all I've ever done
I will fail and I will run
Endless cycles
Of fear and pain
Just once I'm holding on
My feet planted firmly
I can't let go
I say "all or nothing"
But what I really mean is "all!"
I can't let go of this!
Don't ask me to move on!
I can't just leave this
I can't walk away so easily
I can't turn my back on love
Mistakes are to be expected
I told you, I can't be perfect!
I can only be human
I can only be flawed and unworthy
I can ony be selfish
And as for what i want
All I want is forever
All I want is you
i need you to survive
I ask selfishly
Because love is selfish
I am selfish
And I'm in love with you
I ask selfishly
Because I want to survive
And to survive
I need you

~~~~

Resolution

Why do you listen to what you know are lies?
If you ask, I'll help you
Just try and hang on
They're going to try to tell you
That everything about you is wrong
They're going to make you insecure
That everything you know is fake
They'll make you think
You can never be sure
But maybe,
Maybe if you cover your ears
And listen to your heart
Ignore your mind
Ignore them
Then there wll be nothing
Our emotions can hide behind


There's your dose of my thoughts. Hope you liked it.


//icarus// at 7:37 PM